Shouting Into a Barrel

*tap tap* Hello? Is this thing on? Is anyone listening?

Ah, there you are, my devoted friends.  You know I love you.  I know you love me, for whatever silly, misguided reason.  I'm grateful for that.  But sometimes, knowing you're there, reading the product of the union between silly, random thought and unreliable motivation, is enough for me.

I can't let it be enough.

I know, I know.  This whole process was supposed to be me moving away from my Delusions of Grandeur, coming to terms with my life as it really is, and having it all be good enough for me.  Unfortunately, there's a fine line between contentment and complacency, and I've far too often lately found myself on the wrong side of that line.  I've moved from the small pond, in which I was a big fish, into a much bigger pond -- but instead of swimming faster and further in order to catch food and find sunlight, I've found a small corner of the bigger pond in which to play my big-fish games.  I'm still only talking to certain people, and I'm still scared to venture outside of my warm, safe, cozy little comfort zone.

Is this personal growth, I ask ya?

I do not mean to come off with a lecturing attitude.  I think the best thing for me to do at this point is remove myself from the pool for a while.  The problem with social media of any form is it gives you the impression you have more friends than you really do.  Granted, you may amuse the people you meet in the digital ether, and they may amuse you, but this is not real life -- no matter how you may sometimes wish it was.  In that digital ether, I'm cute and funny and effortlessly intelligent.  In real life, I'm painfully awkward, so shy it comes off as rude, and not good at facing my problems.

That, my friends, is where I have to focus my attention now.  I have to find the world again, and really stand in it so I can assess my true mass, get a sense of my real dimensions, and find contentment and satisfaction in that.  I've got to pull my head out of the barrel into which I've been shouting and see what's going on out on the sidewalk.

I may return soon.  If it's very soon, though, you'll have to infer from my presence that I've given up on making my "real" life adequate for my ruined, complicated ego.  Maybe that's not so bad, but I have to be able to say for myself that I tried.

Until then, some of you know where to find me.  If you need me, please reach out to me out there.  I'll have my phone nearby.